Wednesday 11th August 2010
Ah the guilt of being a parent - and boy, does it hit hard! This was one thing I wasn't expecting to feel to quite this extent, and she is only three months old! Currently she is asleep - but I can still hear her sobbing in her sleep; not good on a Mother's heart, especially when you know you're to blame! I can only pray she wakes up smiling, having forgotten (or at least forgiven) the past...
She didn't once - I remember the first time I did 'Controlled Crying' to get her to start sleeping (mind you that was only last week *grin*, it feels like much longer though); and after the first attempt she just glared at me, never once giving me a smile during her wake-up time; although she was quite capable of it as she gave her Grandma a smile - talk about kill your own Mum slowly! Little Rascal!!!!
I think I cried more than she did last week when we started this, praise God for Mums! My Mum (Button's Grandma) came up for a fortnight to help me get these issues under control... I could never have done it alone, as the guilt just eats me up when I have to listen to her cry herself to sleep. Mr. C has been fantastic and backed up everything I have done when he gets home from work, but he tells me to harden up when I ring him at work sobbing *grin*!!! I have been hardening up a little, but she really got to me today - so he got another phone call from me, thank goodness he is patient!
I remember Dad telling me when I was a kid that it hurt him more than me when he had to smack me for bad behaviour; I used to think not and couldn't understand what on earth he meant - I get it now Dad, seriously I do!!!! Parenting is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do...
I second guess everything - I know I had to leave her crying this afternoon, I know she was playing me (I had checked on her to make sure she didn't have wind; nothing)... but it still broke my heart to have to put her back in her cot, knowing she'd scream - and she did! My precious wee girl, at only three months old, already has a mind of her own and a very strong will! I know this is going to serve her well in the future, and I am grateful she won't be a push-over; but right now it feels like she is using it against me at every turn . I know in my head she is not capable of this, I know she loves me - but the guilt chews me up, and leaves me questioning everything. I keep telling myself that if we'd left this until she was two, or even later - we'd have a very difficult child on our hands, and one that no one else would want around... I want a 'nice' child, but not at her expense and this is where the guilt kicks in - is what I am doing teaching her boundaries and respect, or is it squashing and discouraging her?!?
I guess all I can do is my best and pray it is enough... I love her more than I ever knew was possible, and I guess this is partly where the guilt comes from. I don't want to do anything to hurt her, but I also understand I am not perfect and I will make mistakes that will hurt her.
I need wisdom!
Talking of that wee girl - she is now waking up for her next feed, so had better go... guess this is the telling time; hoping she smiles when she see's me!!!!