Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Guilt...

Wednesday 11th August 2010

Ah the guilt of being a parent - and boy, does it hit hard! This was one thing I wasn't expecting to feel to quite this extent, and she is only three months old! Currently she is asleep - but I can still hear her sobbing in her sleep; not good on a Mother's heart, especially when you know you're to blame! I can only pray she wakes up smiling, having forgotten (or at least forgiven) the past...

She didn't once - I remember the first time I did 'Controlled Crying' to get her to start sleeping (mind you that was only last week *grin*, it feels like much longer though); and after the first attempt she just glared at me, never once giving me a smile during her wake-up time; although she was quite capable of it as she gave her Grandma a smile - talk about kill your own Mum slowly! Little Rascal!!!!

I think I cried more than she did last week when we started this, praise God for Mums! My Mum (Button's Grandma) came up for a fortnight to help me get these issues under control... I could never have done it alone, as the guilt just eats me up when I have to listen to her cry herself to sleep. Mr. C has been fantastic and backed up everything I have done when he gets home from work, but he tells me to harden up when I ring him at work sobbing *grin*!!! I have been hardening up a little, but she really got to me today - so he got another phone call from me, thank goodness he is patient!

I remember Dad telling me when I was a kid that it hurt him more than me when he had to smack me for bad behaviour; I used to think not and couldn't understand what on earth he meant - I get it now Dad, seriously I do!!!! Parenting is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do...

I second guess everything - I know I had to leave her crying this afternoon, I know she was playing me (I had checked on her to make sure she didn't have wind; nothing)... but it still broke my heart to have to put her back in her cot, knowing she'd scream - and she did! My precious wee girl, at only three months old, already has a mind of her own and a very strong will! I know this is going to serve her well in the future, and I am grateful she won't be a push-over; but right now it feels like she is using it against me at every turn . I know in my head she is not capable of this, I know she loves me - but the guilt chews me up, and leaves me questioning everything. I keep telling myself that if we'd left this until she was two, or even later - we'd have a very difficult child on our hands, and one that no one else would want around... I want a 'nice' child, but not at her expense and this is where the guilt kicks in - is what I am doing teaching her boundaries and respect, or is it squashing and discouraging her?!?

I guess all I can do is my best and pray it is enough... I love her more than I ever knew was possible, and I guess this is partly where the guilt comes from. I don't want to do anything to hurt her, but I also understand I am not perfect and I will make mistakes that will hurt her.

I need wisdom!

Talking of that wee girl - she is now waking up for her next feed, so had better go... guess this is the telling time; hoping she smiles when she see's me!!!!

3 comments :

MaxineD said...

I have no doubt she has smiled at you heaps today :-). You will get used to it, and as long as you know you have done your best, you will all survive.
Blessings
M

Mariah said...

It's so hard isn't it?! I have heard that girls have more personality, earlier. So they will cry more than boys, because they have personality.
It's so good of you to get on to this problem early too. We have a 3 year old with sleep issues and it takes over our entire life trying to get things right. But our one year old sleeps great and it's because we did things right (including leaving to cry) from early on. We've had to have a few rounds of leaving to cry every few months it seemed, and it was always hard. But it's worth it.

Thanks for your comment on my blog! You should link your email address to your profile so that people can reply to your comments on their blogs directly. And I hope you do get an iPad for Christmas. You'll love it. You think you don't even need it, but once you've got it... You'll love it.

Elizabeth said...

Thanks for the top Mariah - have now included my e-mail address on my profile... new to blogspot, so not really sure how it all works yet!