Health Hazard 2
Started Tuesday 5th April 2011
This is going to be one of those 'honesty posts'... and it may take a few days to write it and have it ready for publishing. It may not either, depends on how honest I decide to be :-)!
You may remember a much earlier post I wrote where I talked about finally admitted to having PND and then another one later on saying how much better I am doing. .
AND I am - no two ways about it...
But this has meant I decided I must be over it, and could forget all about it... I am over it right? Because people can just do that right? I mean it happens all the time right?
Yeah - right?!?
The joys of self-analysing recently made me stop and take a deep breath and look a bit closer at a few things...
- I am still on survival mode; I will not commit to anything more than a few days ahead of time 'just in case'... this includes 'allowing' Mr. C to go out.
- I hardly ever go out with Button by myself (I may have the occasional good week).
- I still feel out of control regularly.
- I feel inadequate most of the time.
- I worry about EVERYTHING.
- I am not sleeping well.
- I second-guess everything I do.
- I panic when family/friends leave; particularly when they have been staying for a few days.
- I get annoyed / mad when Button doesn't respond the way I expect/want her to in certain situations.
- I over-react to everything.
- I over-analyse everything.
And that, dear friends, are just the first few things that come to mind... it is almost 10pm here and I am exhausted after not sleeping well last night, and my head is spinning. Imagine how much longer that list will be tomorrow when I am (hopefully) more rested?!?
But even now, the above list does not sound like a healthy person to me; I think I need help.
One of my biggest fears is passing on my insecurities to my daughter, or her growing up believing I don't love her; that it's her fault I have had to deal with depression.
So I have been praying about this, I have spoken to a few friends and spent some time with my hubby as well... and we have come up with a few things I can do to change things right now; and if this doesn't work then I guess I'll need to reassess the kind of help I may need (as in outside counselling help). But to begin with here is what I am going to attempt to do:
* 2x 'new' meals a week (as in - try cooking something I haven't cooked before).
* Take Button out 2x a week.
* 1x computer-free day a week (Mr. C is trying to convince me to have two per week - one during the week, and one during the weekend... hhhmmmmm).
* Exercise a minimum 3x a week.
* 2 (or more) blog entries a week - start digging deeper and being more honest and real.
* Spend time doing creative writing each week.
What I am scared of is that this will end up feeling unattainable, and I will give up... I have done well so far though! I took Button to the Dr's. on Thursday (yeah, yeah - I know, but she doesn't realise it was just the Doctors! They have a playroom, and she had a ball) and on Friday we went out to a friend's house for the afternoon... Button even slept there in her portacot! I tried a new recipe on Friday night, and it was a roaring success, and I have walked our driveway 3x this week (I even had to coerce my hubby to join us today - normally he is the one making me come out)! And blog entries have been pouring outta me... see, started with a hiss and a roar; just praying it lasts!
Just for a bit more honesty - I am NOT a cook... I hate cooking, everything ends up the same and it is just not good! I am sick of my meals, so you can imagine how hubby is feeling (although he manages to eat everything without to many complaints). But I am aware once Button gets a bit older, she is not going to want to eat the same thing night after night - I need some new recipes! So I have asked my neighbour for help, Laura LOVES cooking and is very good as well... unfortunately with Mr. C being gluten-free and me having to still be tomato-free due to Button's tummy; it does make things a little more 'challenging' shall we say! But Laura is a champ, and after asking her for help - she spent ages going through her recipe books looking for easy recipes that suit our 'special' needs! She is also going to spend time with me to help me get on top of the cooking, and hopefully gain some confidence... and then in time we will work together on the pre-planning meals each week, in order to work on my grocery shopping and get my budgeting back under control. The thought of sitting down to pre-plan just sends shivers down my spine; but the benefits of knowing what I will be cooking in advance, and not getting caught short last minute with the same ole', same ole' sounds amazing! It just requires a little organisation, something which I'm not so good at yet... something I will need to learn if we want more children!
Anyway, that's enough honesty for one post...!!!