Sunday, 17 June 2012

Update on US...

I know I have mentioned on here (many times) how I struggled with post-natal depression after Button was born; and how I was a bit worried about coping once 'lil M arrived... so I thought I would do an update for you all, just in case anyone was interested!

I have been thinking about this for a while, and writing and rewriting this post in my head... as time on the computer is VERY hard to come by! 'lil M doesn't have the reflux Button had, but he does have colic; this means no time during the day due to two babies (the older one whom is struggling to sleep at the moment and driving me spare), and no time in the evenings due to unsettled colicky small baby. He has had a few rough days this week, but there were two good things in this:
1) The worst days happened to coincide with my Mother-In-Law staying; so this meant an extra hand to help out ALL day!
2) Long awake unsettled days means long sleeps through-out the night! Yay! Last night (being Thursday night, yep - it's taken me that long to write this post) was THE best for him (for all the wrong reasons of course)... Feed at 5pm, down by 6pm FINALLY... awake at 6:30pm and very distressed until 7:30pm. Finally fell asleep in my arms at 8pm, put him to bed at 8:30pm far too tired to have had his 8pm feed - didn't hear from him until 5am!!!!!
HOWEVER
The small child woke at 3:30am and didn't go back to sleep, we finally gave up and got her up for the day at 6am... she dozed (I assume) at times in those 2.5 hours; in between talking, singing and screaming.

Yep - you get it good from one and sucky from the other... I was one grumpy Mama this morning (and one tired one now, don't think I'll be finishing this post tonight either... won't mention it's been on the go for three days now)!



But the point is - as much as I was tired and grumpy, and we had a yelling match this morning in front of the toddler:

I didn't crack, I didn't fall apart and I am NOT succumbing to PND this time... I am no longer even scared of crashing!


I am SO grateful...

I know there will still be bad days (today started off as one of those days, but it got better; whew)... and I am okay with that; I understand that this is life, and one bad day (or even a bad week), doesn't mean life sucks and that I am going to lose it. It is such a revelation knowing deep down inside that I am coping - I don't know what is different this time, when things changed and why it all clicked into place; but I will be eternally grateful! 

I still count down the hours until Hubby gets home, but I think this is fairly normal... an extra pair of hands makes all the difference. I don't think I count them down to 'get rid of the kids' which is what it used to be like, rather it is a longing for adult company (HIS company), and just having someone there to share the load.

But the yelling match the other day finally brought to a head his fears of me crashing again... he has never really discussed with me just how hard that first year was on him, or how scared he is of it happening again. So once I reassured him that ONE bad day (after a bad night) is not going to make me freak out on him; he calmed down and apologised (he had originally misheard me, and said some rather stupid things in the heat of the moment). That gave me a bit of an insight into just how tough he'd found things; and reminded me that I need to celebrate how much better I am this time round - and communicate it more to him. When I am tired I am a whinge-bum, which means that is pretty much all he has been seeing/hearing lately - little wonder he was panicking. However, THIS whinging is quite different to the previous time; this is 'normal' whinging, not the 'I hate my life and don't know how I am going to cope' whinging he was hearing before.

I am LOVING my baby this time - he is colicky, thus the evenings can get a bit hard, and currently the days are long also; but he is such a happy baby when he isn't in pain, and gives away smiles constantly. He is a little treasure, and I wish I could have enjoyed my daughter the same... it is something I will probably always feel guilt over - but nothing I can do will change her first year. Thankfully it appears to have had very little long-term effects on her; and I will continue to pray she grows up secure and confidant in her knowledge of our love for her.

I found an article the other day - I was looking up 'All Day Colic', as it seems to be what we're dealing with; and I wasn't sure how normal that is (most people only talk about it happening in the afternoon/evenings). This article, while written by a Mum of a colicky babe, was basically written about me and Button in that first year - it just made me cry and cry. I so couldn't write it all down yet, let alone this eloquently; I think it is still too soon. The article was written ten years later as well, so that gives me hope that one day I may be able to pen down the emotional rollercoaster we all went on that year... if you're interested, you can read that article here

I am loving the fact I have finally had a bit of spare time to finish this post... I could go on a little bit more, but the chances are it may never get finished if I did! So I am going to stop and post this now; once Button wakes up we're going visiting, so that means a busy afternoon.

So - it is (kinda) completed for you to read FINALLY... don't give up on me, more posts will come eventually!

5 comments :

MaxineD said...

So glad to hear you are in such a good place - despite your pleas the other afternoon :-)
Blessings
M

Miriam said...

I still look forward to my hubby getting home every day. EVERY day!!! and my boys are 6 and 3.5 and delightful and hey sleep well too. It is totally normal to long for that extra person and that relief in the decision making, 'i'm the only one in charge here' pressure. You are doing great.

Neetz said...

Hey you are doing a fabulous job! And I'm sure that your button will be just fine as she grows up :) Mummyhood is a tough thing, even at the best of times...but add to that an unsettled bub who you'd love to be able to help, but cannot, and it's that much more difficult! You just have to keep saying to yourself "This too will pass!!" Loads of love and "refreshing times" to you and your household xxx

Ange (Tall, Short and Tiny) said...

SO SO glad that 'lil M doesn't have reflux, and that everything else is going so well. Sounds like you are in a very good place - and even though you long for Mr C to get home, that's normal, right? :)
My sister had PND with her first daughter, and when they found out #3 was a girl, she was over the moon because she felt it would help her move past the guilt she felt from not loving #1 right from the start. Button will grow up knowing how much you love her, especially as it sounds like things are getting better and better all the time xx

Helen said...

YAY! So glad to hear things are going well and that you are in a good strong place. This post made me smile and smile! (And I totally hear you on the hubby getting home thing, hehe)