What About ME?

June  2011

Does this sound selfish? I only have the one child, and she is only just over twelve months old, and I am already thinking 'What About Me?'... How am I going to feel when we have number 3 (God-willing)? When can I start expecting to feel like 'me' again?

This is not going to be a whinge post... rather an explore / think aloud / ask advice post. I have never been here before; and I am not sure what to expect, what others think or how they have dealt with this.

What I do know, however, is that if I lose myself in my children - then ultimately they lose their Mother, and my husband loses his wife... I don't want that, I don't want to be a martyr. I also don't want my family to be victims of my selfishness... so I'm hoping to find the balance somehow.

But finding the balance, well - this actually means finding 'ME' in the first place, and I am not sure if I ever did. Funny thing is - there have been times when I have 'known' me well, but other times when life has caused circumstances around me and within me to change; and I get lost for a time.

Marriage was one of those times - it has taken a while to really understand the 'me' and 'us' within marriage, especially when you have a choleric husband like I do! He has very strong opinions / views / beliefs, he knows what he wants out of life and how to go get it. He kind of left me behind there for a while, but I'm slowly starting to catch up... But for a while, I really thought 'us' was me - so easy to get confused, especially as newly-weds, when you want to do everything together anyway. It meant for a long time - we did everything his way, as I thought that was also my way... don't get me wrong, Mr. C didn't cause this and didn't make the situation into what it became. He has always encouraged me to reach out and follow MY dreams, pushed me to try new things (such as running *grin*), and offered me the space to be myself... but if you don't know who you are, how can you use those opportunities.

I am/was also aware that I would probably face this conundrum again when I became a Mother, as to begin with - everything HAS to be about the baby... but now she is getting older, how do I start separating myself from her to become me again? Being a Mum changes you, changes EVERYTHING - which means, that I now have to somehow include this new aspect of my life into me. So once more, there requires a figurative metamorphosis ... (haha, so wanted to use that word today); a creation of a new me.

So how did you do it? How did you include aspects of your old life, into your new life? What did you keep, and what did you purposefully chose to throw away? What new interests did you pick up once the children came along? I know one of my friends has used her old interests and skills in a new passion - she is working for 'MOPS' (Mothers of Preschoolers) at a national level, as their accountant (amoungst other things *grin*); old interests and skills with the accounting aspect, but new passion for MOPS once the children came along. Perfect - for her anyway...

One of my over-riding passions that has always been a part of me no matter where I have been in this journey - has been writing, sometimes it has been more dormant than other times, but it has always been there... Always keeping me sane, my feet grounded - helping me to at least lay claim to some part of me; my history. This blog has been a bit of a life-saver, and I am hoping that as Button gets older; I'll have more interesting posts / topics to discuss (although not so much time, as she starts to sleep less *grin*)!!

But what else? I really have had nothing else 'follow' me through thick and thin... writing is it, but there is so much more to life than writing; isn't there?

Maybe I need to explore this more? What avenues are out there that I can use my writing for? How much time can I realistically allocate to writing at this stage of my life? How can I improve this skill (because it is going to require a LOT of improving if I am to take it outside this blog)? What parts of writing am I passionate about - poetry, short stories, blogging, article-writing? If I am serious about writing the next 'great novel', then what am I doing about this? Is this all just unrealistic dreams? Is this a God-given gift, or was I just forced into this as a child to cope with some difficult circumstances? If this is a God-given gift, then what am I doing with it? Because right now - if it is one of those talents I have been given, I will be judged very harshly... I hide it, I don't use it to encourage or help others ever. What am I afraid of?

Outside of writing - what does my life exist of?

Talking of life though... Button has woken up, so I need to go now!  

Just some food for thought!

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