I'm just not cut out too be a Mummy...???!!!
This is not going to be a 'Poor-Me' post, or a 'Woe is me' post; not even a post begging for 'nice' comments or encouragement, or wanting any kind of feed-back post. I promise - so you can read on ;-)!
This is an observation post; and really the title and first line are just attention-grabbers - it got YOU interested, didn't it?!?
I have noticed, and I am certain I am not the only one - that children seem to be able to bring out the worst side of you (well, me anyway)! They also seem to highlight, in you, all your worst 'I'm working on that' features... especially when you start to see some of your own foibles glaring out at you from within two year old little bodies.
Yep - this gorgeous two year old is right in the middle of 'those two year old days'... most of the time she is GREAT, and a relatively easy child; but she has days (like today) when she just pushes her boundaries left, right and centre (as any child does, I know this is not abnormal *grin*)!
Can you see the tears dripping down her face in this photo?!?
Photo taken back in June, not today ;-)!
Our daughter is a Drama Queen... I'm not sure if I have mentioned this before or not, but if things don't go her way the whole world has to stop! I'm not talking just 'normal two year old drama' stuff, she unfortunately, takes after me - I too am a Drama Queen (you heard it here first *cringe*)! I had no idea I was, nor how bad I was - until this sweet girl entered our lives; right from Day 1 life has been a big drama for her, thus life has been a big drama for me also.
Let me give you a recent example... on Friday we finally made it to Playcentre this term, at morning tea time I took a cupcake for myself - and like all two year olds, my daughter is a vulture & begged for a bite. So I gave her a bite and carried on feeding 'lil M and talking to the adults... she got a bit grumpy and tried getting my attention, I figured she wanted more so I turned and gave her some more and told her it as the last piece. Turned out it was too sweet for her, and she was getting my attention as she wanted to spit it out... by the time I had realised what was happening, she'd worked herself into such a frenzy she was starting to gag. I managed to get most of the cupcake out of her mouth and told her to drink her water to get rid of the rest (she disliked it so much, she drank nearly her entire bottle of water, hahaha)! Anyway - by this stage most kids would be moving on, because the offending food and flavour had all but gone, and they'd had some attention and a side-ways cuddle from Mum, so life should be back to normal. But not Button - she just kept getting more and more worked up, she wanted a CUDDLE from Mum, not a quick hug over the top of bubs! I tried everything - settling her, talking to her, telling her off, threatening/bribing her... in the end I had to hand 'lil M over to someone else once I had finished feeding him, and then CUDDLE her! Within five minutes all was fine again - but this drama had been going on for a good 30 minutes leading up to the cuddle (or at last it felt like it)!
So if you had been questioning just what I meant by Drama Queen - there is your answer... Drama Queen EXTREME!
So you can now just imagine some of our days: Button going hard-out crying over something unnecessary, me going hard-out reacting to it (I won't say yelling, as I don't do this all the time... in fact I am trying very hard not to yell too often at all at the moment; it just doesn't work *eyeroll*). Hubby then gets THE phonecall - 'It is been the worst day EVER'; in which he has to decipher whether it really has been, or it's just me being a drama queen again... quite often I get asked to explain myself or to calm down, at which time I start to realise just how silly it all sounds; and she's only two years old still. I need to get on top of this before she gets older - this meaning me and her, the whole drama thing! It really is ridiculous at times, and she knows intuitively how to push my buttons... but I think the scary thing for me, is seeing myself playing out in and through her.
I have also discovered how much I sulk... I even sulk with her; it's pathetic really, and there have been times I have to shake myself and remind myself that I am the ADULT, not her! It drives hubby absolutely mad - he is very good at sorting things out quickly, I need to go and sulk and think for a while before I am prepared to sort it out!
I used to think that I had faced and dealt with all my demons, but it turns out it's not that easy... as I watch my daughter struggle through some of the same issues I deal with every day, it makes me cringe to think that these things are my fault. Because, this Drama Queen stuff is a struggle - she feels things so deeply, and gets so upset; despite the fact it feels like 'nothing' to us, and we have to tread lightly and try not to downplay it, but at the same time we don't want to encourage this kind of behaviour - especially when it is used to manipulate a situation to try to get her own way.
I remember feeling scared of her as a baby, literally scared, as even back then she could wind herself up quickly and easily to the point of gagging and vomiting. She was completely unpredictable, and I spent many months tip-toeing around her before I grew a backbone and started to realise I could stand up to her... now days I don't worry so much, I do try to sort things out before they get to that point, especially in public; but if a tantrum is required, then so be it! She is generally sent to her room, and welcomed back out when she has calmed down... I remember one afternoon recently she ended up back in her room about five times before she finally got the message and came out calmer!
I over-react, I yell and scream and even cry sometimes, I send her to her room probably more times than I should, I don't give her what she wants sometimes, while other times I give in and let her have her own way, I don't spend enough times with her, I let her watch far to many DVD's (or in Button language = Toot-toots, one day I'll explain where that came from), I over-analyse, I worry, I'm not consistent... basically I suck at being a parent - it isn't easy, especially when you start seeing your own negative traits coming out in your kids.
But I know this is something all parents struggle with - I know she'll be okay in the end... and I just have to trust that because I love her to pieces and will spend the rest of my life doing my absolute best by her; that this is enough to compensate for all the negative I bring into her life also.
And thankfully for me - for all the negative traits I see, there are so many more positive traits showing up in her... she has her fathers generosity, she is compassionate and hates seeing anyone crying or sad, she is beyond intelligent - scares me with some of the things she comes out with, she has amazing concentration skills, she is fun and teases a lot (has her fathers sense of humour already), she loves the outdoors and animals, she is reasonably patient and actually fairly obedient for a two year old, she is sweet and cuddly and has the cutest smile and gives the most exquisite cuddles, she has got a photographic memory I reckon - A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! There is so much more to her than what I can explain or tell you; and I think the most frustrating thing is that most of you will never meet her, nor get to 'see' just what we see... because even if I do know you 'in real life', Button is fairly shy and doesn't cope well in big groups... and while she does relax and cope with small groups - she never relaxes the same as what she does when it is 'just us'! But really - I guess we're all like that, whether we mean to or not, but those closest to us see us at our best and at our worst.
Ah well - this is enough deep and meaningful for one night...