Just Thinkin' Outloud...
Sometimes I look at all the things are mothers / women / people are achieving in their lives and wonder what on earth I am doing... read: NOTHING! I know of a lady who has written and published two awesome books (well the second one is just going into print now), and she has a 4 year old and a 2 year old! She has managed to write these books despite the children; and yet I use the children as my reason NOT to be doing such things in my life. She also does a lot of other things - but just the books are enough to leave me balanced between down-hearted and inspired :-)!
I know without a doubt, that if I got my bottom into gear and decided to do something like this e.g. follow MY dreams; my husband would support me 100%, and do whatever it took to make sure I had the time and space to pursue it.
SO - what is holding me back... fear! Fear of failure and fear of rejection. Always comes back to fear (oh and lack of confidence), two things I don't want to pass onto my children - especially my daughter.
Is it a case then of 'fake it till you make it' in front of children? Or is it is case of choosing to actually grow and change in front of them? There are pro's and con's of both I am sure, and maybe in reality - we need to do both? We need to do some faking as we are growing; they don't need to see all the guts hanging out... we are their life at the moment, we are everything to them. BUT, they do need to know that Mummy and Daddy are 'real people' with 'real problems' and 'real feelings' - so where do you draw the line?
My girl is all about speech at the moment; she just doesn't stop talking... but when those arms wind round my neck and I hear a little 'I wuff you Mummy', something inside me melts - so matter how hard the day has been with her. I have waited a LONG time to hear those words, and they are still so precious that they almost tear me up every time; the first time she said it to me with no prompting, I had to stop reading the book and compose myself.
And when I go into to pick my baby up after a sleep, and his little eyes light up and his arms and legs go WILD - it doesn't matter if it's 3am or if he has only had a 45 minute sleep AGAIN that day... those moments are pure joy. He is currently going through the 'Mummy-Phase', and even when Daddy has him (and he adores his Daddy); if he is tired, hungry or just feeling a little off no one beats Mummy, and he just whimpers every time he see's me until I take him! Pure sweetness... seriously, this child doesn't cry or scream much (so when he does, we jump); he just does quiet grizzles or whimpers - which alone can break my heart!
The point is (and there is a point, seriously); right now they are so young that I don't really want to 'put the weight of the world' on their shoulders, and introduce them to 'real life'. I want to protect them from me, and from reality for as long as possible... my daughter has already seen far to much 'real life' from me through the PND I succumbed to after her birth (and the fits of anger I get into now at her two year old tantrums); but she is young enough to 'still love me despite myself'!
I remember the first time, probably as a late-teen, that I 'discovered' my parents were 'human' and not perfect... I won't go into details, but it sent me into a bit of a tail-spin for a while. Thankfully my Mum had expected this, and was willing and able to be my sounding board for all the questions and anxiety that this news produced. I am fine now, but it came as a shock that they had a 'life before us' - and this is something I am aware of and want to handle differently for my kids. But how to do it...???
I am SO going off on a tangent here; this started off as a random point and has continued to be a whole lot of random thoughts strung together very untidily. It is late, I am tired and I think I need to actually stop this post now... next time I will start it in WORD, take a day or two to think about what I am trying to say, and then attempt to write something far more cohesive and relevant (and stay on track *grin*)!
If you made it this far through, then well done to you :-)! Seriously!
PS - I THINK the point I was trying to make is that I want to be an inspiration to my children... not a stumbling block somewhere along their journey, that slows them down. I want them to look at my life and think 'I want to emulate my Mum in this area' (not in everything - they need to learn to become their own person; but maybe in the fulfilling of their own dreams they can look back and use me as inspiration). But in order to be this to them - I need to start making changes NOW... and this is where I am struggling. What to change? How to change? How much to change? What effect will it have on them if I start digging deep and making changes - as these are oftentimes emotional and draining? AND is it going to take something away from them, rather than add something into their lives? Are they too young for me to start getting so introspective - do I need to be more child-focused while they're still this young, and come back to 'me' in a few years, once these baby-days are over?
Oh the joys of being an over-analyser! Hahaha!